I first clicked that bright orange Blogger:Dashboard bookmark thinking, I really need to blow off some steam. Wasting an hour writing about it and getting it out of my system will do me good and I'll be able to concentrate on my essay. But then actually getting to this page...I don't know how to express how it feels.
Except that it really, really hurts. More than I expected it to.
It took a while to sink in. More like 5 minutes actually.
But once it did...it really hurt. A ridiculous amount. Maybe it's the stress talking, but I actually cried. For just a minute or so, but it hurt really bad. I do supposed I could see the good and say she honestly didn't mean to hurt me. But the more human side of me is screaming FUCKING BITCH RIP OUT HER HAIR.
I do suppose this affirms my belief that people really do suck. For the most part anyways. There's a select few handfuls that are really great people. It's ridiculous how much I want to love humankind and hope the shit I see from day to day is just the very surface of all of us, but that just keeps getting pounded into the ground.
God did answer my prayers in a way. I had the feeling that my failures this week meant He was answering me. And he did. And I suppose its sort of a good thing I haven't succeeded; how hurt would I be in the middle of everyone. I'm not great at hiding everything...and sooner or later I'd snap.
The little devil sitting on my shoulder is telling me to sock her in the face tomorrow. The angel tells me to brush it off; I can do better. I can be the "better man," so to speak. And I know I can be; it's just a matter of whether or not I want to be.
This sorta just ruined my day. And I can't really afford to waste more time, but as much as I try, this isn't leaving my mind.
So my final parting words? Fuck you.
Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a fuck you.
