So on fire, so in love. Remind me, baby, remind me.

So, a lot has happened since my last post.  I got my ass out of the depression hole and got a social life.  Started to visit my best friend more since my meal plan lets me eat at his dorm's cafeteria, and then I made friends.

In other words, life is not as shitty, but my grades from last semester are probably still total crap.  I'll live.  Just have to work harder next semesters.

Heading back to the 'ville, will be there tomorrow.  See ya'll there, mebbe.

Also.  The next time I say I swear off boys, I'm lying.

Not really sure how I feel about it...

Not really sure what I'm doing with my life.  I feel like all this time I'm just doing what's expected of me and what I should be wanting to do.  I'm so privileged to spend four years at UIUC, and yet, I don't know what I'm doing here.  I've just been passing these days by, and time is ticking away, and I don't know what I  have to show for them.

I don't know what I'm passionate about, and I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams around me, and I'm just freefalling.  I don't know if someone's there to catch me, or if its just rocks below, and it's scaring the shit out of me.

It's only when it's quiet and everyone's gone to bed that I realize how alone I am. I don't know who my support group is, and who's supposed to be there for me.  I'm shit at keeping in touch, and I'm shit at maintaining relationships between people.

What the hell am I meant for? God, just tell me so I can stop feeling like I'm wasting people's time and money.

I might miss everything you said to me.

Lately, I've had this attraction to One Direction.  Their songs are actually really catchy, and who cares if they're teens and like...have a huge fanclub or whatever.  Their songs are catchy.

So I've been thinking.  I don't remember why this popped up in my mind the other day, but it did.  Why bother being friends with me if you don't actually like me?  I know people have secret agendas, or they like my personality or something about me, but they hate the rest of me.  What is the fucking point of pretending to be my friend, and then when I reach back out to you because I've heard you were asking about me, you shut me down and show me what a fucking bitch you have been this entire time.  Hey, what do I know, maybe you actually did like me in the beginning, but what is the point of pretending all this time.  If you didn't like me, just say so, you don't need to come back later and say, "Oh hey, I actually didn't like you at all, stay the fuck away from me."

I don't get people.

I just wish I knew where I was going in life, you know?  It sucks being in this limbo of college, and I have no idea if what I'm doing is what I love or just something I got set on, and am now stuck in.  I can't even focus in school anymore, and it's pathetic.  I just want to do something I love, but I'm not good at anything I love.  Nor is it a stable life.  So what the hell am I doing with myself.

I feel like I'm going to be that person that everyone thought would be so successful and ends up being the failure.  Isn't it a great feeling?  Feeling like you're failing everyone around you, and even my parents.  They support me so much, and I feel like I'm letting them down.  I don't even know what I want anymore.

I just wish things were laid out, and I knew where I was going, and that it was right for me.

And then things get even more complicated because I don't even know if people actually like me.  Supposedly my best friend, but I barely get to talk to him.  Basically, in an easy manipulation, told not to talk to someone ever again.  I get it. I'm not a good person.  I have problems, I have issues, I get jealous, I get bitchy, I'm human.  I don't know what I'm doing.  Isn't this feeling supposed to go away in high school or something?  I should be a confident young lady with a drive to do what she's passionate about, and I don't even know what the hell that is.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel.

I don't understand people, or boys, or whatever.  I honestly don't.  My last relationship was shit, and it made me a little less secure, and a little colder, and even though I probably should care about that, it's a part of me now, and I'm going to have to experience things to melt the ice.

I had this whole long page of rants and unhappiness, and I just deleted it all.  I want to put my fist through a wall.  I've thrown two solid objects at my wall already.  Anyways.  I swear off boys after this relationship.  I will be an old lady with lots of cats, and adopted children because I want kids, but I swear off boys.  No offense to those of you I actually like, but you guys are a huge pain in the ass.