Today, things happened that made me revisit the way I used to think, and I realized, I really didn't change much. Personality-wise, and physically, yes I definitely did. But my mentality, the things I think, none of it has changed. It's still the same old child in the corner. And somehow, I know it won't change. I'm stuck with it and there's nothing I can do about it.
And that kind of makes me want to die. It's not fun thinking this way, and it's just cruel putting myself through all my messed up thoughts. It sucks feeling unwanted, and it sucks having grown up thinking it.
And it's probably not true, that's probably not what it meant all along, but it's the way it's been perceived, its the way it's been shown, and that's what I have implanted in my heart. Perhaps its a sin, thinking this way, maybe it's dishonoring them. But I can't help but wonder, what exactly is right anymore?
Maybe this is why I'm so excited to go to college, to get away from these people and find myself and find something of worth in me. Feel more wanted.
Even among those I know, or at least hope, care for me, there's still that shadow, that isolated feeling I notice has been more prominent as of late. And I dont know if its just me, if it's just my personality that makes it so, or if it's really there.
I don't want to know.
Maybe I will always remain such a broken child inside. I'll probably carry all this baggage with me everywhere I go (I apologize in advance for anyone who ends up having to deal with this crap in the future, and for those of you who already have).
But I still hope there's someone out there who can make me feel like I'm worth something in this world, worth the resources I use and the space I take up, can heal me and make me forget these feelings.
No, I'm not suicidal.
But I'd like to feel wanted. Does that make me weak? An easy target for predators? Probably.
Looks like my determination to be strong failed miserably, even after all these years.
Pathetic.
