You make me new

You are making me new.

-------------------------------------------
So instead of sleeping like I should be, and studying for Econ like I should be, I'm here, updating you guys on my boring old life.  Haha, no I'm just getting dizzy from reading all these formulas and numbers for econ.

So last weekend was Fall Retreat, and I have to say, it was pretty freakin awesome.  The people in ILife are really nice and friendly and welcoming, and I already feel like I've made quite a few good friends, or potentially good friends.

The speaker, Tammy Smith, was great too.  She was really engaging, and she got her message across clearly and neatly and it connected with us.  I really feel like I've learned a lot from those 3 hours total we had with her (even if I did pass out for at least 30-60 minutes of those 3 hours...apparently 7/8 hours of sleep in a cabin isn't enough when you're sleeping on a hard mattress), and I'm starting to maybe understand God better.  All in all, very transforming weekend, and I think I'm making progress on my journey with God.

And maybe it's Retreat Fever, like, after you first hear or learn something, you're so set on it and you're like, "YEA I'M GONNA DO THIS AND THAT AND LIFE WILL BE GREAT," but I really feel like I'm connecting a bit more with God and I feel Him with me a lot more and see Him working in my life.  My stupid freakout Sunday night was dumb and really really irrational now that I look back, but God was there, and spoke through Josh and Chris, and then the next day through the people I needed to hear it from.  And I'm glad I went to the Fall Retreat.  I hope this feeling lasts and I can keep walking.

Yea.  That's been my life.

Hahaha.

I've also been thinking about taking piano up again, recently. Maybe not hardcore with lessons and all, but for fun, so I can figure out modern piano music on my own, and play for church and whatnot.  Because, yea, I love violin, but rehearsal is a lot of work, and I apparently don't even feel like practicing between rehearsals.  Which I should really do.

And I feel like my mom's right; I can use piano later in life, just for fun, or to serve God.  And violin....while I could serve God with that, I feel like I could serve him better with piano.

Yea, my thoughts have been pretty religious as of late.  But there's a lot on my mind, and a lot of it I don't want to face.

On a totally different note,
ALL THE GOOD LOOKING GUYS ARE EITHER TOTAL PARTIERS AND NOT LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP OR ARE TAKEN ALREADY.

At least that I know of. Haha.

I love Nutella.  Yummmmm

I should get to the gym downstairs soon.  Since swimming's not an option right now....pool's only open from 11am-1pm right now, and I usually have class....so I go Tuesdays and THursdays when I dont, but lately I haven't gone because there's just been a shitload of work, and tomorrow I need to go to office hours to figure out why I don't get this math thing.  Yea.

I found out that out of all my subjects, I'm pretty much happiest when I'm doing math.  So Actuarial Science was probably a right choice...but I'm going premed.  So let's hope the rest of the premed req courses are enjoyable.

All I am is Yours

Diving back into school after a transformative weekend is hard.

Retreat was a ton of fun.  And I learned a lot and I think it's changed the way I look at things a bit.

It's kind of hard to remember the pillow is red when school consumes my life again, but I'm trying, and it's helping a bit.

It's always really wonderful to see God working in my life.  I did stupid things, and I freaked out yesterday, but today, I saw compassion, and hopefully it's sincere, and I think God's telling me to chill, everything'll be okay.  I'm here.

And I guess I need to remember that.

This post makes little to no sense to you guys.  Thats okay.  I'll explain in a couple days when I have no midterm and don't get home at around 930 to cram for one.

As surely as the sun will rise,
You'll come to us.
Certain as the dawn appears,
You'll come
Let Your glory fall
As You respond to us.
Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.
You'll come, You'll come.

My heart's a stereo

Super quick post before I go back to cramming for my Calc exam tomorrow morning at 10am since I got like, 3 hours of sleep last night.


Last post was a major low, and I'm back on my feet.  Yep, I'm trying to be nice and stuff and meet people, and I think if I just give it a bit more time, I'll meet more people.  Maybe not more guys, but definitely girls, haha.

So yes, I'm perfectly okay, and I will take all your suggestions into consideration and stuff when I try to make friends.  Or something.

Yea my brain's not workin so well right now.

I hate a lot of these calc topics.

SEriously.  This test for CALC I is almost everything we learned last year.  ugh.

At least its clearer now.  Phil was kinda a really.....yea.  Randy's so much better.

Off to study and hopefully get in bed before 12 so I can get almost 9 hours of sleep.  We'll see.

Such an epic fail

There are things I have done
There's a place I have gone
There's a beast and I let it run
Now it's running my way.

There are things I regret
That you can't forgive, you can't forget.
There's a gift that you sent
You sent it my way.

So take this night
And wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep.

So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgive but I hope
That I'll be given some peace.

"This Night" Black Lab

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Last night was such an epic fail.  Thsi dude finally turned 21, and they went out to buy liquor cause we were gonna party for his 21st.  And about 5 of us ran to practically every liquor store/gas station/convenience store around this area for about 1.5 hours.  Then we discovered around 130am that it's a law in Champaign that you can't sell liquor after 12am. Fail.

So we didn't party.

I'm kinda sick of only hanging around asians.  I don't understand a lot of what they say, and they always have to slow it down and explain things to me.  I feel like that sorta annoys them sometimes, but if it doesn't, I feel like I'm already being lumped in the "Chinese" group of people because I'm always with them.

I need white friends.  That I can get to know without thinking about church ideals and stuff.  The dudes from ILife?  They're great, but I'm pretty sure our relationship won't be like, "Hey, let's go party!" "Yea, let's go" or anything of that nature.  Or similar.

And even though it's pretty nice, I kinda hate eating as a suite over the weekends.  They get together and cook, and I CAN'T COOK.  So I feel useless, and it's like I'm just mooching off them and being lazy and just eating and stuff when they're working and cooking.  And I feel like, I can easily eat 3x what they eat.  Seriously.  And I feel pressure to not eat so much, because they don't cook that much because they're all freaking like anorexic practically.  I alone can eat them all off the table.  Minus maybe Rebecca, but honestly, she doesn't eat as much as I could.

Maybe that's why they're all skinnier than me.  They eat so much less than I do.

I love it here, but sometimes I really hate it.  Like today.

Maybe the weather's PMS is starting to affect me.

I hate not knowing anyone or being able to communicate and introduce myself to people because I'm freaking awkward and self-conscious and people are more interested in talking to other people because they're white and pretty and tall and I hate how judge-y the people here seem.

I was in a random group Friday for an IB quiz.  Two girls and one dude.  We sat in a row, so Me Terry Taylor, and really, Terry only talked to Taylor.  So I kinda just.  Did my own work.  Because he and Taylor seemed pretty content to talk things between themselves and not really listen to what I was saying unless they really had no idea.

See what I mean?  And Taylor was blond and pretty.  The girls here may not be super freakin skinny, but they're pretty, and really, that's all that matters because like that "would you rather" question, yea? You'd rather be pretty and fat than ugly and skinny because you can always work off that fat and become pretty and skinny.

And I don't even feel at ease with ILife because really, they're ALL really good friends already, and Jess, the other freshman in the group I hang out with, has been with them longer than me because I've been busy and haven't made Connect group or Saturday Night Grace for the first few weeks, and she's already at ease with them, and I feel like I'm the uptight person when they're all really easy-going and that just sets me apart.  Don't even get me started on the "they're all white and I'm the only asian.  Fred doesn't count because he's a halfie and married to a white girl" thing.

I'm probably a bit happier here than I would've been at Cornell, but I feel like, at Cornell, I would have Josh to sort of....take care of me, and introduce me to some people and I would be a bit more at ease.

Here, it was like, learning to swim the hard way.  I was thrown into the middle of an olympic sized pool and was told, "Learn how to swim or drown."

And right now?  I feel like I'm drowning a bit more than swimming.

I love my roommates, but right now, I really wish I'd been put in a different suite.

Maybe I'm too dependent, who knows, but I really hate how friendless I feel all the time.

Today's on fire

The sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered
I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day
And still,
Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn


"What it is to burn" Finch


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Today was hell.  In the morning /afternoon anyways.


So I was up late studying for the Econ quiz I was freaking out about, and then didn't sleep until like, 3?  So I fell asleep around 330, my alarm was for 630.  Guess what I did?  I did Tiff.  I turned it off when it rang and went back to sleep.  Thank God I had another one set for 730; I set another 30 minutes before class so I knew when about I needed to head out.  I woke up, freaked out, brushed my teeth and sprinted out the door.  Not fun.


And then I came back to my room and crammed for the bio quiz and math quiz.  Bio was actually kinda hard...my group and I didn't really know the answers =\  It was like, reading check, but we'd never learned the stuff before so it was like, "eh??"  But then Econ was like, WTF.  I studied SO HARD AND YOU MADE IT SO EASY?  Most of it was anyways.


Math was.  eh.  3 questions, I think I got half right, one totally right, and one....mostly right?  Who knows.  IT's okay.  As long as I do better on the rest, I can drop that and one more score as my lowest. 


Today was ICE SKATING. SO MUCH FUN. OMG. WHY DIDN'T I GO EARLIER.  I only fell once (YES) and managed to pretty much get it going!  I'm so happy hahahaha.  And there were a lot of hot/cute guys there ;P


What else?  I'm so tired haha.  Not much sleep last night...I'm skipping worship tomorrow I think.

The food here is eh.  It's a rather small dining hall cause this is a private housing thing, but the food's usually pretty decent!  The roommates are great, I think I'm kinda misjuding Evelyn.  She's a great girl, maybe I dont' like her habits a bit, but she's really a great person.

Btw, haha, I"m not in Chicago!  I'm actually maybe like 3 hours away?  But no city-strolling or anything really....it's so easy to get lost around here.....

I have no ideas or creativity at this time of the night....It's like, 4 am to my body.  Haha.

I think we're going apartment hunting or viewing tomorrow....we're thinking about moving next year, but we'll see.  I kinda like it here.  It's....spoiling me. hahahaha.

-----------------------------

You know I'm a crazy bitch
I do what I want when I feel like it.

"Smile" Avril Lavigne

I'm writing again, these letters to you

On much I know
But I'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away? 




"Letters to You" Finch


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Haha I love reading everyone's comments.  They make me laugh and smile and make me forget about the stupid things due tomorrow.  Yay. =)


I'm pretty sure I'm only busy now just because the courses are gaining momentum and its midterm time...I hope.  But I'm attempting to get my GPA as high as possible for med school, so I'm probably just screwing myself over by making things more complicated and so it makes me seem busier?  Who knows.


I totally would hit on the cute dudes if I knew how to flirt.  Intentionally flirt I mean.  But they're ALWAYS in groups (minus the CS dudes) so I kinda....don't want to go near them. Hahaha.


CS, btw, sorry I didn't say earlier, is Computer Science. Haha. Fun class. Not.  My TA is pretty useless, and what you learn in lecture isn't totally helpful with excel formatting.  And Office is necessary cause the hw stuff only works with office =\  I tried. Hahaha.  Oh well, I got it for $65, Professional Plus 2010, too!  Awesome deal. AND I GOT IT TODAY.  I CAN DO MY HW. FINALLY.


I just realized I actually have quizzes all tomorrow.  In-lecture quiz during IB, then Econ quiz, then weekly math quiz.


Oh. Tangent.  My TA for math is so cute.  Well.  I think so.  Good-looking is a better word. He has glasses and stuff, but he doesn't look really nerdy....


Back on track.  I keep thinking it's like 1 am, but it's only 1035.  Knowing me, the next time I look at the clock it's gonna be like 2 am and I'll still have to study for something.


But anyways.


Next order of business.  Friends.  Uh.  I haven't made many?  There's my roommates, Rebecca, Evelyn, and Ellie.  I share a bathroom with Evelyn, who's also in my major.  They're all from China, but EVelyn's been in the US for the last two years for a private girl's school in MA.


They're also really skinny.  Rebecca's build seems bigger though, but thats just cause she's so tall.  Otherwise, she's REALLY SKINNY TOO.  That's okay.


Hm.  Other friends.....really no one so far, sorta.  Because I still haven't really met anyone in class/lab/discussion because most of the time, they don't allow the time to meet people and talk to them.  But ILife, the Christian group I'm thinking about joining, is really friendly and I've made a friend or two?  Lyndsey, who is reeeeeeeeeeally nice and funny, and possibly Jess.  Still iffy because I've really only seen them like, 3x so far.  And met lots of other people like Kate and Ross and Kirk and Wade? and Fred and Eric and Lauren and more that I can't think of at the moment.  But yea.  We'll see.


And I don't know how to update you guys on hot guys =\  I see a few every day, or at least some decent guys, but that's just on the streets.
OH. TODAY. I WENT SWIMMING. CUTE LIFEGUARD.AHHHHHH. Not on the lifeguard seat though, there's like, another desk on the deck another guard sits at.  Dunno if he talks to everyone that walks by, but he talked to me =D and i was totally like, out of it because I was checking out the sauna, but it was coooool.  He was cute.  Why are all the lifeguards at UIUC cute?!


Hm.  What else.....
Ah.  @Val:  Haha, I think you misread something about rushing?  I didn't rush actually haha, I meant sprinting everywhere XD  Maybe I wrote it oddly....though I did contemplate joining a pre-med frat, but then I decided it was too competitive and too hard-core for me so I'll just be Tiff at Presby who's attempting to get into med school. Yup.


MOONCAKE WAS SO GOOD. I put one in the freezer cause I'm never gonna eat it fast enough, and now i have 3/4 of one left =D yummmmmmmmmmmmm


I don't know what else to blog about? Ask away hahahaha feed me ideas!


Off to study.  Sort of.


BTW
SKype: manganime821


add!  I'll be happy to vidchat =)

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost, no longer the same.
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive if you show me the way.
Forever and ever the scars will remain.
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark.
God, help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun.

Give me a sign.

-BB

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So the weather here is like....a woman in menopause.  Or PMSing.  Whichever works for you.  Two weeks ago, it was nice and sunny and warm and beautiful.  Then last week, it got a little depressed and less sunny, a little cloudy, and a bit chillier.  Then yesterday, it was gorgeous.  Today?  Lalalala, what a beautiful morning, lalala HOLY SHIT RUN FOR COVER SAVE MY BOOKS.  It poured.  Yea, light rain my ass, weather forecast.

So I had fun trekking halfway across campus in flip flops that have like, no sole, carrying a violin, and trying not to slip and make a fool of myself.

Anyways, the next few days, I might not be blogging cause I just realized I have a shitton of stuff to do.  Econ quiz Friday, then I'll be out most Saturday, IB exam Monday, and then math exam Thursday, and then a shitton to cram in before the weekend because I'll be gone all weekend and I have another midterm when I get back and a ton of excel problems to hand in that monday.  Fun.

I'm so stupid.  I need Office to do my CS hw, the one due next Monday, and I dont have it.  So I bought it a couple days ago, and they say it'll arrive in 3-10 days.  FML.  Guess I'll be trekking to the library to do it.....Hm.  I was gonna go tomorrow and then I just realized Econ quiz friday and I have fellowship tomorrow night.  Guess not.

This is almost equivalent to HS end of MP.  But more free time and stuff.  Maybe I shouldn't go swimming tomorrow then. Nope, nvm.  I have to.  Or I'll just keep eating and then I'll get fat, and the next time ya'll see me I'll be Violet Beauregarde after she chews the gum.  Just...not as blue.  Or purple.  Whatever color she was.  Blue, I think it was.  Right.

Yes, I just looked up Charlie and the Chocolate factory to find out what her name was.

My roommate is making lots of banging noises nextdoor.  Or maybe thats just all I hear because I'm listening to music pretty loudly with my earbuds in.  I need new earbuds too...they're getting old and gross and yea.

I saw cute dudes in my CS lab =D  I totally don't know how I missed them before, but they're cuuuuuute.  Hahaha

We're marchin' on.

Wow, I must be getting less sleep than I thought, or I'm just not getting enough vitamins.  I just napped for a good 2 hours.

Okay nevermind, I'm just tired a bit.  2 hours is nothing compared to what I can usually do on a tired basis, so I blame lack of vitamins, so I just took some =)

And MOONCAKE OMG SO YUMMY.  And my dad bought it for us, but apparently really the only person who takes the initiative to eat it is me....so I'll be eating to my heart's content since apparently mooncake has a LOT of calories and two of my roommates eats about 1/3 of what I can eat, and Rebecca's I think feeling the pressure from them.

That's okay.  I'm exercising somewhat regularly.  I'm eating it.  Before it goes bad.  Yummmmm

Into the darkness You shine

Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You




And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 




"Our God" Chris Tomlin


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The worship music here is pretty freakin cool.  I've never heard most of them, but its awesome learning new stuff, and the band is pretty awesome too hahaha


Anyways, nothing has happened between...Saturday and today?  Besides classes today, and now I'm loaded with work again.


Lots to do in the next two weeks, with midterms and random quizzes and online homeworks due, and I'll be away from school for a whole weekend for Fall Retreat =D


When I decide to do something two weeks in advance, I find out I don't have Office and I can't do the hw without it.  THWARTED FROM BEING A GOOD STUDENT.


Haha.  But seriously, since I've gotten to college, I actually kinda do my work.  I'm already studying for a quiz Friday, and in HS I woulda been like, fuck that shit, I'll study Thursday night!  The wonders of college and having nothing better to do....  I am most definitely behind everyone in the going out department; haven't been out to parties or met random people in a random frat or sorority yet, and I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.  Good because now I'm not meeting sleazy dudes, but I feel like I'm just holing myself up in my room.


Hm.


Back to studying for Macro.  Yay....

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things
Out of dust.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things
Out of us.

-----------------------------------------

Karaoke was fun =D

Last night was large group worship (for the first time) and it was interesting!  More...people friendly than church back home...
And then afterwards, I met more people, and Erik was being kinda creepy and interrogated me on Ross' car on the way to Buffalo Wild Wings.

Yea.  It was a bit awkward, but hey, they're friendly.  And I'm pretty sure they're all like jrs though, so I won't see them for much longer =\

But I'm making friends!  And I'm gonna go to their konnect group, which is small group fellowship, so I'll be meeting people and fellowshipping and it'll all be good.

My mom is still being a freakout mom though, and it's beginning to grate on my nerves.....

Wushu is good for suicide by exhaustion

I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home.
Let the rain wash away
All the pain of yesterday.
I know my kingdom awaits
And they've forgiven my mistakes.
I'm coming home, I'm coming home.

"Coming Home"

-----------------------------------------

So I went to wushu yesterday with Rebecca (one of my suitemates).  It was fun.  Sort of.

So we did split stretches and they pull your legs apart and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch.  Not kidding.  I was practically crying after the stretches.

But other than that, and the fact that I have no ability to coordinate and think and jump and kick at the same time, it was fun!  I'm going to join this instead of racquetball I think....

Karaoke tonight with the roomies and others =D

-----------------------------------------

I feel like a total jerk and I hate myself and how I have to be the one to say no.

This one's for you and me

Living out our dreams, we're all right where we should be.
With my arms out wide, I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters.

"Lighters"

-----------

...
...
Sometimes I wonder why God does things.  Like.  Why now?  Why not later.

I feel like every time it happens, I don't know what to do because I hate hurting people, and I hate making it awkward, and both are inevitable.

I'm glad I didn't rush this time.  Because last time I did and I completely regretted it a month later.  (In my life, a month=1 week with the amount of time I have to think about things other than school...)
I'm glad I asked Josh and my friends.  They're always always so supportive and I love them so much.  And I know they want what's best for me and what makes me happy.  They're advice is awesome, like always, and makes me think about things I never thought about before.

On a totally separate note, WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS 4 HUGE (by huge i mean bigger than me) DUDES IN THE SAUNA WHENEVER I FINISH SWIMMING.  IT INTIMIDATES ME AND I NEVER WANT TO GO IN.  Ugh.  Thwarting my plans to relax after swimming.

On the other totally separate note, there was a totally hot dude swimming today, and he was pretty good!  I think. Hahahahaha.
And why are all the girls here blond, brunette, really tall, skinny, and pretty!?  It does stuff to my self-esteem T_T
I get hit a lot and walked into a lot here cause I'm so tiny and the people here are freakin giants.

Right.  Off to class I go!

Nevermind

I'll find someone like you.

"Someone like you," Adele

-----------------------------

Life is practically the same everyday here, it's getting a bit boring.  Mondays and Wednesday are frantic rushing to get everywhere all the time.  And then I'm either holed up in my room cause it's too hot out (or cold now I guess), or holed up in my room because I have honestly nothing better to do.

I have my first IB exam tomorrow.  Fun, fun.

Oh, which reminds me.  I got tipsy for the first time the night of my birthday XD  I'm pretty much a lightweight I think?  Not sure how much was in that drink, but yea.  It was an interesting experience, hahaha.

College is high school.

Just shoot for the stars if it feel right,
Then aim for my heart if you feel like,
and take me away, make it okay
I swear I'll behave.

"Moves like Jagger," Maroon 5

----------------------------------


That song is ridiculously catchy.
I went through Walmart yesterday singing that song for a good hour and a half.

Anyways, my revelation of the week: college is just like high school.  Just a tad more serious in the sense that if I fail one grade, I'm fucked for the rest of the semester.

Meaning, that if I wanted to avoid the "fucked" part, I have to drop the class, but that would put me under "full-time student" time and I'd be screwed even more.  And most likely won't be able to graduate in 4 years, which is looking really impossible already with all the actuarial science requirements and premed reqs.

The week has been...normal.  Nothing happens.  People party every night (and I still can't figure out where they are, or make friends with partiers!) and seem to have a lot of friends....

I just sit in my class and basically ignore everyone cause they're all ignoring me. Yay.

I'm considering joining racquetball.  And I bought shooting glasses yesterday, and today I look online and find out I shouldn't use those for airsofting.  Which means they're probably not great for racquetball either...I'll ask at practice today.

I always come here intending to write a lot for you guys, but really thinking about college and the last week gives me nada.  Nothing happens here.  There's just a ton of procrastination because I have one online hw due at midnight, sleeping (usually) before 12, waking up at around 7 everyday, and studying.  Like I should be now.  I'm such a nerd.

It's finally sort of turning into fall here.  The last couple weeks were hell; it was so freaking hot and sunny.  But today's windy ish and kind nice.  Yayyyyyy

More later.  Probably after wednesday when I fail my IB exam. Hahahaha.
---------------------

I just saw the comments to my last post, haha.

Yes I'm making friends.  Very very slowly.  Like. One every other week.  Maybe.
But it's not so bad....


And parties are like, SHORT SKIRT SHORT DRESS STRIPPER HEELS OR SANDALS.

I have none of the skirt/dress things, but I do have nice wedges.

So, I have to make friends with partiers.  So I can borrow their clothes. XD

BUT SUITS AND TETRIS IS SO GOOD.  And it kills the extra time i have pretty much every day.....


Love you guys lots hahaha <333333