4 Days Closer

 "If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?"

- "Chasing Cars," Snow Patrol

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It doesn't feel real.  Being a senior, I mean.  It just feels like every other stress-filled year.
But now....now midterms are done with (finally!) and I'm really ready to just sit down and let my feet rest.  No more sprinting around like a madwoman, and college is just around the corner.

It feels so...


Liberating?

Relieving.  I've worked all my life to get up to this first milestone, and now that I'm here, I can't believe it.

The first chapter of my life is coming to an end, and the next is looming in the distance.  I don't want it to end.  As much as it has its terrible scenes and the worst mistakes ever, I miss each and every page.

God, where did the time go?  Just yesterday, I was making friends with Naoto in the crazy pre-school that refused to help me when I was barely potty-trained.  Just yesterday I was showing Troy my birthmark (which I really wonder...what the hell was I thinking?!).  Just yesterday I learned how to do the monkey-bars from Sana.  Just yesterday, I was trying to mediate between Flora and Angela.  Just yesterday, I was sprinting through a pool with my brother trying to win a relay.  Just yesterday, I was arguing with Ashleigh about her pen.  Just yesterday, I was getting mad at Reynolds for saying I was flirting with Cerreto.  Just yesterday, Doris was telling me and Ed to get together all the time.  Just yesterday, I met my bestie Sonya.  Just yesterday, Mr. Lyons yelled at us for talking all the time.  Just yesterday, I discovered manga and anime.  Just yesterday, I stopped being so angelic and started being a person.  Just yesterday, music became a huge part of my life.  Just yesterday, I was baptized and took Jesus and God for my Savior.  Just yesterday, I told myself I hated Josh to the ends of the earth.  Just yesterday, May passed away.  Just yesterday, I had to keep going and pretend everything was O.K.. Just yesterday, I hated everyone for trying to replace her.  Just yesterday, I picked up a pair of scissors and decided I was a failure.  Just yesterday, I was in the library and Jason came to see me.  Just yesterday, my brother found the cuts and told my mom.  My mom told me not to be stupid.  I hated her.  Just yesterday, I realized God is there, and this life is worth everything.  I stopped.  Just yesterday, Jordan Schaffer committed suicide.  It reminded me of David Gibson, and how I know nothing about my brother, and it made me wonder, where have I been my whole life?  Just yesterday, I saw my brother cry for the first time.  Just yesterday, Daddy told us he was being laid off.  Just yesterday, I drove with Daddy to Illinois, and drove back home with just Mommy and Josh in the car.  Just yesterday, I heard Mommy and Daddy arguing over the phone, and I thought, I did that to them.  Just yesterday, I wished I had never been born so Daddy could be here, or Mommy could be there.  Just yesterday, I swore to myself I'd work so hard, and Mommy and Daddy could be together instead of a thousand miles apart.  Just yesterday, Tyler Clementi committed suicide because of a joke gone bad.  Just yesterday, TJ stepped in front of a car and the whole school went silent.  Just yesterday, Josh started to talk to me as a real friend, a real baby sister, and I was so afraid.  Just yesterday, I was just a kid.

But today?  Today, I'm growing up.  Today, I'm going to college.  Today, I'm going to make sure Mommy and Daddy can be happy.  Today, I'm going to do wrong against God, but I will repent and I will love Him with all my heart.  Today, I'm going to be the best person I can be.

And it scares me.  The future is so uncertain, even though that's half the thrill of walking forward.

I don't know if I'm ready to write the first words of Chapter 2, but if I'm not ready now...when will I be?