Such an epic fail

There are things I have done
There's a place I have gone
There's a beast and I let it run
Now it's running my way.

There are things I regret
That you can't forgive, you can't forget.
There's a gift that you sent
You sent it my way.

So take this night
And wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep.

So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgive but I hope
That I'll be given some peace.

"This Night" Black Lab

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Last night was such an epic fail.  Thsi dude finally turned 21, and they went out to buy liquor cause we were gonna party for his 21st.  And about 5 of us ran to practically every liquor store/gas station/convenience store around this area for about 1.5 hours.  Then we discovered around 130am that it's a law in Champaign that you can't sell liquor after 12am. Fail.

So we didn't party.

I'm kinda sick of only hanging around asians.  I don't understand a lot of what they say, and they always have to slow it down and explain things to me.  I feel like that sorta annoys them sometimes, but if it doesn't, I feel like I'm already being lumped in the "Chinese" group of people because I'm always with them.

I need white friends.  That I can get to know without thinking about church ideals and stuff.  The dudes from ILife?  They're great, but I'm pretty sure our relationship won't be like, "Hey, let's go party!" "Yea, let's go" or anything of that nature.  Or similar.

And even though it's pretty nice, I kinda hate eating as a suite over the weekends.  They get together and cook, and I CAN'T COOK.  So I feel useless, and it's like I'm just mooching off them and being lazy and just eating and stuff when they're working and cooking.  And I feel like, I can easily eat 3x what they eat.  Seriously.  And I feel pressure to not eat so much, because they don't cook that much because they're all freaking like anorexic practically.  I alone can eat them all off the table.  Minus maybe Rebecca, but honestly, she doesn't eat as much as I could.

Maybe that's why they're all skinnier than me.  They eat so much less than I do.

I love it here, but sometimes I really hate it.  Like today.

Maybe the weather's PMS is starting to affect me.

I hate not knowing anyone or being able to communicate and introduce myself to people because I'm freaking awkward and self-conscious and people are more interested in talking to other people because they're white and pretty and tall and I hate how judge-y the people here seem.

I was in a random group Friday for an IB quiz.  Two girls and one dude.  We sat in a row, so Me Terry Taylor, and really, Terry only talked to Taylor.  So I kinda just.  Did my own work.  Because he and Taylor seemed pretty content to talk things between themselves and not really listen to what I was saying unless they really had no idea.

See what I mean?  And Taylor was blond and pretty.  The girls here may not be super freakin skinny, but they're pretty, and really, that's all that matters because like that "would you rather" question, yea? You'd rather be pretty and fat than ugly and skinny because you can always work off that fat and become pretty and skinny.

And I don't even feel at ease with ILife because really, they're ALL really good friends already, and Jess, the other freshman in the group I hang out with, has been with them longer than me because I've been busy and haven't made Connect group or Saturday Night Grace for the first few weeks, and she's already at ease with them, and I feel like I'm the uptight person when they're all really easy-going and that just sets me apart.  Don't even get me started on the "they're all white and I'm the only asian.  Fred doesn't count because he's a halfie and married to a white girl" thing.

I'm probably a bit happier here than I would've been at Cornell, but I feel like, at Cornell, I would have Josh to sort of....take care of me, and introduce me to some people and I would be a bit more at ease.

Here, it was like, learning to swim the hard way.  I was thrown into the middle of an olympic sized pool and was told, "Learn how to swim or drown."

And right now?  I feel like I'm drowning a bit more than swimming.

I love my roommates, but right now, I really wish I'd been put in a different suite.

Maybe I'm too dependent, who knows, but I really hate how friendless I feel all the time.